ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
