Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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