you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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