it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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