it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize