? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
