I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
