some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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