This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Someone signed my nipple.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
