I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
