Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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