My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
