i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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