So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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