I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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