never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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