my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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