You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
