his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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