i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
