I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
this just has baby written all over it
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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