why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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