he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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