For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
