I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
