I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
