he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
