Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
