walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
