I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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