Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
