Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
