White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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