Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
