She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
