Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
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