Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
