Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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