I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
