i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
What a dumb baby whore.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
