Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
