so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
