we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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