my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize