Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize