I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
