my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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