i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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