Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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