I wish I could teleport
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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