I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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