So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
found the other keg... it's in the tree
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
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