Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
