Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
