the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
