So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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