My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I can't turn off my feet"
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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