Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Drunk is a universal language darling
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize