they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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